July 24, 2015 | Indianapolis
Despite sharp declines in teacher morale and applications, a booming economy readies to emerge. Hoosiers, primed by Religious Freedom Legislation, Gay Climate Change Research (rainbows, rainbows everywhere!), Equality Denials, and Guns Don’t Kill People Do Activism, are leading the way to an emerald city that shines white glares and reflections upon those within their eminent domain.
Indiana’s Courage Verifiers (CVs) have taken aim far and near. Caitlyn Jenner’s courage has been rebuked fully by many CVs, clearing the way for other less qualified Hoosiers to shame someone who just now felt confident enough in society not to murder or otherwise attack her.
Despite not having a clear continuum of courage defined, CVs have worked tirelessly to judge people on a case by case basis. Local man Corduroy Stevens has also failed to meet CVs’ clearance in his attempt to be deemed a hero for attempting to live with his long term lover in a rural town neighboring Indianapolis. After keeping his decade long relationship secret for fear of losing his teaching job, Stevens’s was publicly outed by a student who saw his lover kiss him on the cheek at his mother’s funeral. He turned down six inquiries to be interviewed for this article, though Facebook and Twitter have made his lack of courage public to all his students past and future.
Current verifiers push forward to ensure that courage is ratified from only the very best sources. Anyone seeking to courageously act can now simply find a licensed courage verifier to see if their act is first of all worth doing and second of all worthy of the courage moniker. In the future, an app. will be developed for people to determine what actions and identities they should pursue in order to live within the parameters of the judgements of others.
The courage of verifying union failed to earn a collective bargaining agreement, however this thorn was blunted by current CVs deeming unionized labor uncourageous. Reformed union organizer John D. Pass released this statement after fellow CVs deemed his unionization uncourageous: “The free market is the best way to decide upon what is courageous in our society, but the utter lack of understanding of the word courage in America today necessitates a specialized linguistic license to first educate the public and eventually guide people into behaviors that ensure the homogenization of America guided by the vision of a cardigan wearing Jesus and a vitriol spitting Hannity, peace be upon them and only them.”
Local businesses hope to develop a system of verifiable courage in order to create an atmosphere that is inviting to those Hoosiers with real courage. Pass has begun developing a color-coded chart to hang just inside the door of Hoosier businesses, so owners can assess their prospective clients’ courage at a quick glance. The chart will also include a questionnaire involving inquiries into perspective clients’ past actions and statements in support or disregard to real courage. Some businesses wish to seek exemption from the real courage guidelines and businesses that seek a meek and cowardly crowd such as coffee houses, libraries, schools, bookstores, art galleries, Planned Parenthood, hospitals, pizza parlors, auto mechanics, department stores, BMVs, gas stations, hardware stores, dentists, pharmacies, bars, liquor stores, and movie theatres.
The Supreme Court has already warned against antitrust issues concerning Indiana Courage. Monocles were immediately deemed courageous.