18 Things I’m Not, so Stop Judging Me, Okay?

  1. I’m not a drinker, but I have to say that IPAs are so much more satisfying to drink than light beers. Why waste your time on beer that has no taste unless you are just trying to get drunk, which I’m not, okay?
  2. I’m not into hockey, but Toews and Kane are the best duo in the last sixteen years, and if you argue with that you obviously don’t know the history of the sport like I do.
  3. I’m not into monkeys, but Tamarins are like old, wise cat monkeys jumping around from branch to branch without ever missing a step and somehow landing and darting limb to limb without ever losing balance and all the while corresponding to what seems to be a formal social hierarchy, and I’m not sure if I’ve seen that in spider monkeys.
  4. I’m not star crazed, but Ke$ha or Kesha is obnoxious when she repeats the same syllable of a word over and over instead of singing like the digitally, commercially viable sex-sultress that she is when she sings a single syllable word over and over and over and blah-blah-blah.
  5. I’m not politically minded, but fuck off if you don’t agree with me on this one thing we don’t vote on directly but instead vote on representatives that never seem to be as nuanced as even this sentence.
  6. I’m not into electronic-synth-weirdo-sexy-music, but MGMT has some of the best songs that I’ve heard.
  7. I’m not into sex, but I can’t think of a single better moment in my life than pulling my hands to a woman’s waist to feel space in between the bed and her as she lifts her hips towards me, so I always squirm around in that moment instead of hurrying through it; if you can’t stop to admire happiness and transcendence, why try to do anything else in this beautiful, rugged life?
  8. I’m not a writer, but I love placing my thoughts all across an inviting white page that just yearns for me to leave my mark across its virginal center as long as I leave the margins clear so we have a place to run to if it gets too intense for either one of us to handle.
  9. I’m not a reader, or even remotely socially conscious, but Junot Diaz’s voice in “How to Date a Brown Girl (Black Girl, White Girl, Halfie)” offers insights on the small and sometimes huge differences that come about simply because of race or the perception of race by one or both people in a couple, whether it be for the afternoon, night, or however-after.
  10. I’m not a Junot Diaz fan, but I love reading his stories and listening to his interviews for hours on end, and, like Yunior, I’m not a bad guy.
  11. I’m not freestyle-wrestling minded, but David Taylor should cut down a weight, and Kyle Dake should go Greco since Jordan Burroughs is such a great representative of our country at 74K.
  12. I’m not into throw-bys, but I’ve learned to find ways for people to hit me in the head as a set-up to this move.
  13. I’m not a feminist, but I get pissed off when people are threatened by women speaking their minds when people over fifty yearn for a more peaceful time when it was acceptable to hit your kids with objects.
  14. I’m not against religion, but I hate how a small portion of the populace has absolute diminutive over my logic while all others are banished from consideration for attempting to free more and more aspects of the human experience to safe exploration simply because it wasn’t straightforwardly endorsed in a book a few thousand years ago, and a guy, almost always a guy, from around the way who told me to dismiss it.
  15. I’m not regressive, but I am old fashioned.
  16. I’m not a talker, but I’ll keep saying things that make you hear my opinion over and over and somehow I’ll expect you to believe the first four words I said even though I said hundreds that follow but I still have a fallback argument once you call me out on what is logically named hypocrisy even though I feel like that word has some sort of Hoodoo-Voodoo-Shenanigans-fuku of some sort that I do not understand even though it is the simplest of abstractions that could ever exist:

I did what I said I wouldn’t.

17. I’m not sexist.

18. I’m not racist.


……

Thanks for reading. Are you not something that should be included?

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