In this beginning, for it is not the first, and by no way is it the only, I will set things straight from the beginning. I took a lot of heat from the intellectuals in the last universe, and I don’t have the time or energy to deal with all the armchair Monday morning creator back talk this time through. I, as I hope you presumed, am He, the Lord your God. I, Creator, Alpha and Omega, will be your narrator. I am more of a big picture thinker, so I doled out the words to some quill and ink boys last time through, and let me tell you, it was a disaster. I can’t even get into it, but rest assured that the Voice you hear and read in this go round’s Holy Book will be the actual Voice of Me, the Lord your God. And why don’t I just edit here on the fly and tell you that this is your only reading. I also learned last time that no one reads if there is someone around willing to summarize. So, good riddance to all storytellers of My stories. You are banished, and it is good.
So, where to start? I feel I can tell you of the last universe later, so why don’t we get to the business you all will skip to anyways. What happens when you die? Well, rest assured—you won’t see me when you die. I have shit to do. What would I do with you anyway? I created every single thought and action you’ve ever done, imagined, or fought over. You have nothing to offer me. Your thoughts in their entirety may be displayed, oh how can I describe this to you, in a mural. Each thought mural will be displayed where you would put your paintings, books, newspapers, etc. I gaze over them in your equivalent of a bathroom, listen to them in the shower, and laugh at the really queer ones while rewriting new personality manuscripts. You are my creations, I’m not going to toss you into pits of fire or idolize you in idyllic havens. I save you all to decorate, well not all but some. You won’t get much out of this I fear, but think, as you read this I am working and reworking you—just as you might do the same with a poem, a movie, a painting, or even a fart joke that has a little flair to it. The real exciting part is the working and reworking. Once you’re done, it might be a beautiful piece, evoking some sort of emotional response, but you do have to know when you’re finished, and I don’t like to do too much with any of you.
Okay, so you become my conversation pieces on My equivalent of coffee tables when you die. You aren’t conscience just as your creations aren’t conscious—only in the fun ways we imagine them speaking to us, if you will. Now—everyone must leave a legacy, so yes, I will be having a Son. This was a disaster last time round. He was too high of himself in all the most passive-aggressive ways. Nobody’s infallible, by the way, don’t even believe a word anyone says of that idea. As I said, I will have a son, but I’m not setting out to have a son right off. I think I will just go about my business and I will choose a son from amongst you—my favorite, most queer creations. So, if you don’t know who my son is at the time of your reading, just think—it could be you! If you do know who my son is, just remember why he is my son. So hear goes, on to the Newer Testament.
You may think that a Newer Testament is an odd way to get going in a Holy Book, but just to let you know one more time—this beginning is not the first nor the only beginning. I’m calling it the Newer Testament because it is a reworking of my passion project. You see, I really want to leave a legacy amongst this universe, something that can breath life into my creations, so they will live on far after I have created them. This passion project of mine will invoke an ongoing existence for some of you—as I said, as the conversation pieces in My home. Not all of you will make the grade, but those of you selected by My Son will gain this status in your departure from living. My Son will be the one to select which of you is worthy or outstandingly interesting enough to be talked about in My home.
Now who will be My Son? As I said, you could be! Isn’t that great news! So, here is how it will go. I am not going to go about purposely creating My Son. My Son will be of My creation just as all of you are. However, no matter how I create, a certain amount of destruction is inevitable. When I create, it expresses a certain part of Myself—so indeed, you are in My image; however, as a creator I must tell you that the Voice and creative angle your Lord God uses is not to be taken too literally. As you know, I am He, Alpha and Omega, so do not think of yourself as any mirrored image of your heavenly, or more aptly, artistic Father. Some of you will express My loving side, others My rage, but no matter what—the creative process will lead to contradictions—and giving life to such a diverse range will lead in some ideas destroying others once put into the same…exhibit as you may think of it.
Now don’t blame me for this. Without Me, you wouldn’t exist at all. So whatever conflicts arise, just think of it as your struggle for existence, your cross to bear as they said in the old universe.
Back to My Son—it always comes back to our children, doesn’t it? As I said, it could be any of you. And as I said, My complexity as a creator will lead to an inevitable conflict leading to what some of you will call destruction. However, it is whoever that is most punished by the others for what I made him that I will claim as My Son. So if you are feeling down, persecuted by the rest of My creations, tough it up, get through it, and maybe you can act as my curator, sitting next to me at all my fancy dinner parties, conversing of My creations with all the other creators when they come to visit. You just won’t believe what you’ll see, and it will be all the sweeter knowing you got to decide to put your tormentors in the delete file.
As for the rest of you, I think you will be a little more hesitant to start pushing your ideas upon all the rest of My creations, now that you know that you all are part and parcel of My creative process. You don’t want to go down as the persecutor of your Lord God’s creations, do you? And if that doesn’t motivate you, then just realize you will be missing out on the most revered curator job to ever come around. And if the job is already booked, don’t keep calling for the end of the universe like the last universe. They were so anxious for the end of the world they started destroying it just by getting up in the morning. Whether you believe that I created your world for your or not, just realize it isn’t really yours, so treat it with respect. Its not a rental car. It’s not a piece of paper. It’s not a diamond in the sky. It’s the foundation of every single experience and thought I felt wholly motivated to breath into you.
In the event that this Holy Book should not keep all of you, My most delightful creations, existing in a sustainable way, I will start right over again. I am your Creator, and I am the Lord your God. Just as you crumple a page of poorly posited prose, I crumple the universe when the creative process turns toxic. Soon you will discover the big bang, and yes, some of you already have. Realize, that this was your universe’s beginning, but it was not the first beginning, nor is it the only.
My last universe was more balls in the air than I was ready for. I thought by having My creations free to create their own voice for Me they could have more fun and a better sense of ownership of their lives and relationship with Me. Instead they killed each other and told themselves it was for Me. What creator could endure such blasphemy from his creations?
Your big bang came after I realized that My exhibit was too toxic an environment. I think the last straw was when I realized they stopped celebrating the only sport I did in high school. I even let them in on the sport. Here’s what I had one of My writers put into one of the versions of the first Holy Book, the Old Testament they read the most:
That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
That was Me. I think I inflamed an old injury from My high school days, so no more wrestling for Me. But as you can see, I will not tolerate My creations defying the fact that I put all of you down on paper and then breathed life into you, so to speak of hurting one another is just out of line. Trust Me when I say—do unto others as your Creator would wish upon His creations.
You have a lot in common with the universe crumpled up in the corner of My study. You have the same Creator, share in knowledge only let into your life by the creative process of the Lord your God, and all My artistic motifs have remained the same. I think I have finally found My Voice, so please, for your sake, make Me proud.
And one more thing, since I am narrating and as you know I am an omniscient and omnipotent Creator, let’s get some rules straight for your own creations. I had too many rules in the last universe, but too few when it came to the really good stuff. When you create, and I don’t want to preach, but please abstain from a third person omniscient point of view. After all, aren’t you trying to get your voice heard? Aren’t you trying to get people to connect with you? That’s what I’m doing right now, and I hope it works.