More for Less

If only there were more cats, there would be less scratch fever and fewer tongues.
If only there were more dogs, there would be fewer days and less summer and rain.
If only there were more monkeys, there would be less tomfoolery.
If only there were more beans, there would be less gossip.
If only there were more pickles, there would be less blushing.
If only there were more wool, there would be less deception.
If only there were more pipers, there would be fewer bills to pay.
If only there were more coal, there would be fewer miners’ daughters.
If only there were more plays, there would be fewer casts.
If only there were more speculators, there would be fewer farms bought.
If only there were more buckets, there would be fewer funerals.
If only there were more cats, there would be less curiosity.
If only there were more guns, there would be fewer victims of gun violence.

2 thoughts on “More for Less

  1. I looked back over my “Year in Facebook,” and I saw this old one from last year’s play-offs. Little did I know that I cursed myself through Godbow to watch the Bears weave a 7-1 record into play-off spectator.

    Dear “God,”

    I understand that you really like this Buddy the Elf quarterback guy. I get it; people love recognition and praise. No one is immune to it. Everyone needs someone to pat them on the back, to confirm their actions, and to tell of their positive effects.

    I am not asking you to stop helping Buddy the Elf. I am not someone who wishes to make directives for the universe. I am not asking you to stop intervening in football games. Everyone has their medium of choice.

    I simply wish to ask you to keep up your interventionist mentality. You have done great things for the Broncos. The way they can win without a quarterback is simply proof of your abilities as a omnipotent presence. As I watch you being praised for this football victory, I cannot help but think of other areas where your omnipotence might be better used. I understand you love football, so please take the next few weeks to consider the following situations that might benefit from your Bronco-like competitive drive.

    Please find a Republican that is not a creep, idiot, or robot to compete against Obama.

    Please redistribute the world’s wealth so that everyone can eat at least 2000 Kcals a day.. We produce enough food in the world so that everyone can eat about 2800 Kcals a day, but we don’t want the entire earth to look “American” in terms of waist lines. You don’t need to grow any food yourself, just spread it around a bit.

    Please fix deaf people’s ears so that they can hear. I feel like this would be really easy for your omnipotent powers to fix.

    Please stop genes from mutating in animals once they are born. I do not want to stop evolution, but can you put a limit on when this occurs?

    Please convince the government to have better services for veterans. I think we could do a better job supporting these people.

    While you are at it, please come up with some ways to stop making people want to kill each other over you. How about manifesting on earth in a way that would end all the confusion. Claim one of the religions right, claim all of them wrong…either way, stop the god killings.

    Again, please consider these as football season ends. I feel like the off season is a time for you to take the habits you developed during the season and use them on another worthwhile endeavor.

    Thank you,


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s